


Hesitate

by shiro_with_blueberries



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: And then BOOM ANGST, Depression, Eating Disorders, Kazunari is a very important support, M/M, Mental Breakdown, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, They love each other so much, days be like that sometimes, i don't know what happened, i was just listening to the Jonas Brothers, im crying while writing the tags im sorry, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:46:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25899904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_with_blueberries/pseuds/shiro_with_blueberries
Summary: Tsuzuru is having a hard time but he's not accepting help from anyone, either. Kazunari wonders what he should do, and how can he help someone whose only answer is always "I'm fine"."I told you I'm fine. You don't need to worry."He turned away. Kazunari rushed and grabbed his wrist before he could run away from him again. Masumi asked him to take Tsuzuru out of there, and he would."Tsuzuru."
Relationships: Minagi Tsuzuru/Miyoshi Kazunari
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	Hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> TW: DEPRESSION, SELF-DEPRECATION, EATING DISORDERS (mild)
> 
> Please don't read if you're easily triggered by mental health issues. 
> 
> If you proceed, I highly recommend listening to "Hesitate" by the Jonas Brothers while reading, since it was my source of inspiration. Thank you!

Tsuzuru hadn't been coming out of his room lately. Of course, he was always busy with classes and part time jobs but, as soon as he got to the dorms, he just locked himself up. That was weird. Everyone could feel his absence, but no one dared saying it out loud, as if it would become a problem as soon as it was pointed out. They kind of expected Kazunari to be the one to give them some explanation sooner or later, and he knew it, but he couldn't do anything if Tsuzuru kept avoiding him. He actually caught him once, just before going inside his room. The day before he didn’t even see him once, and he didn’t answer his text messages. He really wanted to know if something was wrong or if he was just too tired to deal with anything.

"Tsuzuroon! I'm finally able to see your pretty face!"

He acted as cheerful as usual. If Tsuzuru noticed him being worried, he would definitely lie to not make him worry. Something close to a smile curved his lips. His eyes weren't smiling, though. They were darker than usual, framed by eyebags hanging under them. He hadn't been sleeping well, that was for sure.

"Ah, Miyoshi. Good evening."

"Where have you been? I want to have some quality time with my boyfriend every now and then, you know?" He said, pouting. He playfully tangled his fingers with Tsuzuru's. A guilty look came out as a response.

"Ah... yes. I'm sorry. I'm too tired when I get home lately. I will make it up to you when college lets me breath again."

He let out a tired laugh afterwards. That pinched Kazunari's chest, for some reason. He deduced that it was because of his fear of being lied to by Tsuzuru about his situation.

"It's a deal, then! Oh, and you'll tell me if somethin's wrong, right?"

Another clearly fake smile from both of them.

"Sure."

Kazunari wanted to believe him, but something wasn't right. Things had been like that for too long. He could deal with having him missing for a week when he had to write a script, or when he was in exams season but that time felt different. It had only been three or four days, but it felt longer than ever, for some reason.

"Kazunari!! You look sour and full!"

"Haha! I think you mean “sorrowful”, Citron-san!"

Sakuya and Citron came into the living room while he was just looking at his cup of coffee going round with the help of his spoon. He raised his stare and put on his usual smile.

"Mornin', guys! I was just zoning out! How's it going?"

They shared a fast look and looked worried when they returned their attention towards Kazunari.

"Well, we were wondering if you knew something about Tsuzuru-kun. He never talks to Masumi, so we thought that, maybe..."

"Oh! Don't worry about him!", he interrupted Sakuya. "You already know him well, right? Overworking and stuff."

He kind of was telling those words to himself, too. No one was there to reassure him.

"That is right, but he usually eats when that is the case!"

Citron's words made him frown a bit in concern.

"...What?"

"Kazunari." That voice came from behind them. It was Masumi. He looked more serious than usual, if that was possible. "Can we talk?"

Well, that was weird. He couldn't say no to that, but his heart was racing just by thinking about Tsuzuru being the cause of that sudden heavy mood Masumi brought with him.

"Sure! Coming!" He left his coffee there and rushed towards Masumi, who guided him to the empty corridor, far from Sakuya and Citron's range of hearing. "Did something happen?"

He tried his best to keep his mask on his face, but he was in desperate need of knowing what was happening inside of that room. Apparently, even Masumi would tell him before Tsuzuru did.

"It's about Tsuzuru. He's not fine." That definitely erased his smile, and put a big weight on his chest. "He's been overworking himself to the point of sleeping an hour or two a day. He barely eats the food I bring him. He has his eyes swollen all the time. I've checked his calendar, and he hasn't got any college exams or deadlines near. I don't know, I've tried not to care, but... well, I'm not good at this. You go do your thing."

Kazunari didn't know how to react. He wished he guessed wrong, and he was just too busy or something. Not that.

"I... okay. Thank you for telling me."

"Just take him out of there."

Kazunari walked as fast as he could until he was in front of his door. He was about to knock, but then he gulped and rethinked. Tsuzuru wouldn't let him in if he did. He just grabbed the door handle and opened the door slowly.

The room was pitch black, illuminated by only the light coming from Tsuzuru's laptop and the now open door. Kazunari took a deep breath before acting. He switched the lights on and closed the door.

"You will damage your eyes if you work with your lights off, Tsuzuroon! I know from experience!"

Tsuzuru looked at him with nearly closed eyes, bothered by the sudden light.

"Miyoshi? Ah... sorry but I don't have time right now. I have to-"

"No worries! I'm okay with looking at you while you do your stuff!" He winked at Tsuzuru, who sighed in return.

"Okay, but only for a while."

"Fine~"

He leant against the table, next to him. How could some days change a person's aspect so much? Tsuzuru looked pale and weak. Extremely tired. His eyes were red, swollen and crystallised. It made Kazunari’s pain on his chest be a bit more intense. He looked around, too. The bin was full of tissues and scraped paper. He didn’t make his bed or pick up his used clothes. There was some food next to him, only with a bite or two.

"Hey, you forgot to eat!"

Tsuzuru looked at him in confusion, and then he looked at the dish next to him. The screen had his attention again afterwards.

"I'm not hungry. I will eat it later."

"Masumi told me you haven't been eating properly, though."

Kazunari's now serious tone got his attention back at him. He parted his lips a couple of times, as if he was about to say something, but he ended up frowning and trying to concentrate again.

"It's just been for a day. I wasn't feeling well. Why did he tell you that, anyways? It's not like he cares."

"He does. And I do, too. And everyone."

Those turquoise and tired eyes looked directly at him again. He wasn't smiling. Neither of them were. Tsuzuru pressed his lips and got up, trying to dodge Kazunari's attention.

"I told you I'm fine. You don't need to worry."

He turned away. Kazunari rushed and grabbed his wrist before he could run away from him again. Masumi asked him to take Tsuzuru out of there, and he would.

"Tsuzuru."

He stopped. Kazunari's saliva felt like daggers down his throat. He had to do it, though. No matter how much it hurt to see him like that, it hurt more knowing his state and that he was doing nothing about it. Tsuzuru slowly turned towards him, with an indecipherable look in his eyes. Kazunari talked again.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Tsuzuru nodded. "And that you don't have to be happy all the time?" He repeated his gesture. "And that I care about you?"

This time, Tsuzuru hesitated. He looked somewhere else, only to avoid his stare. He blinked, and his eyelashes were suddenly soaked. He was pressing his lips against each other, trying very hard not to collapse right there. But the first tear fell, and that broke Kazunari on the inside. The lump in his throat didn't stop his hand reaching his face to wipe that tear out. But another one came out. And another one. Tsuzuru tried to cover his face with his hands.

"I'm sorry, I..."

Kazunari took his hands again and tried to look at him in the eyes. "It's fine. Don't be sorry." He cupped his face and kissed his tears out, softly. Apparently, that only made him cry more. He talked with their foreheads together, trying not to show how much seeing him like that hurt him on the inside. "But, please, tell me what's going on."

Tsuzuru tried to breathe deeply before answering and failed. He just could pronounce unfinished sentences that didn’t seem to have any correlation between them. "It's just that... I don't know. What should I do? I feel like I'm... going nowhere, and..."

He let out a loud sob. He was clearly embarrassed by it, but Kazunari wouldn't let him cover his tears again. He kept holding his hands, caressing them with his fingers to reassure him as much as he could.

"Why do you feel that?"

"I don't know... it's fine, it'll be gone in a couple of days. It's not the first time. I thought I was doing better, but… I just don’t know… I’m sorry..."

"Hey, you're not thinking that you're a failure or something like that for feeling like this, are you? You're allowed to feel bad. Just ask for help."

Apparently, that was the thing that made him lose all of his strength. Tears started falling uncontrollably, as well as his sobs. He clung onto Kazunari's shirt and fell to his knees. He rushed to hug him, knees down too. He felt as if it wasn't tight enough, because nothing would be enough. But at least he got to try.

"This is what I didn't want..." Kazunari could hear Tsuzuru's muffled voice, weak among all those sobs. He buried his face in Tsuzuru's face from above, since he was facing down now, and started caressing his back, rougher than he should. He fought his own need to cry.

"What? To tell me how you truly feel? I would do anything for you, Tsuzuru. But I can't do it if you don't let me."

He kept crying even harder between his arms. His grasp on Kazunari's shirt was weak sometimes, as if he was lacking strength even for that, but sometimes his trembling hands grabbed him as if he would fall if he let him go.

"I didn't want you to worry", he said, with the same thin thread of voice.

"I'm here for bad times, too. I will always be by your side, no matter what."

Tsuzuru seemed to not have an end to his cry. Kazunari hoped he could read his mind and know exactly what he needed. He would give it to him without hesitation. He would share his pain if he could take it from him, if necessary. He kept holding him as if he could do it that way. Tsuzuru finally rose to look at Kazunari in the eye. His lips were now swollen, too, and his face was soaked. Kazunari had to control himself to not hug him desperately again.

"I... well, I've been thinking too much, I guess. I haven't achieved anything. I don't know where I'm going. I'm nothing special. I really do try my best, but I feel like it's never enough..."

Kazunari smiled lightly. He knew that feeling, and he knew it perfectly. Because of that, he already knew what would happen if he told him what he thought. His mind wouldn’t let him hear his voice.

"I know you won't believe me right now, but you're the most amazing person ever. Hard-working, gentle, creative...". He started wiping his tears off again with his thumb, and Tsuzuru gulped slowly, still soaking his face with his own tears. "I wish you could see all of that! We all do, you know. Everyone loves you and cherishes you here. And your brothers adore you. And I adore you, too. You're the best thing that life could have brought me."

Tsuzuru closed his eyes, and some more tears fell because of that. When he opened them again, he stared at Kazunari as if he was the most precious thing ever. They both felt so loved. They both wished they could put it in words.

"I love you so much."

Kazunari chuckled out of embarrassment. He let his hands fall to Tsuzuru's, which were still holding his shirt, and kissed them tenderly.

"I love you too. You can't even imagine how much."

"I think I have a vague idea." He let out a soft laugh. He took a deep breath and looked fondly at Kazunari once more. "Thank you."

"Nah, I'm not taking that. Gimme something in return."

Tsuzuru clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, still smiling. He reached his lips in what felt like a healing kiss, so soft, so tenderly that made time slow down. Now that he wasn't looking, Kazunari let a tear fall. He knew Tsuzuru had no idea of how much he loved him, even if he thought he did. If he could see himself through his eyes... but that wasn't possible. He would just do his best to make him feel less alone, and he would trust him more as well. They would figure everything out together.

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to the Jonas Brothers and suddenly it was 2am and I'd written a 2k word fic while crying. Well, I hope you liked it! Don't forget to let me know in the comments in you did, it helps a lot! Or, if you prefer, you can tell me on my twitter @/shirosan22_. And if you like tsuzukazu please check @/PurisuRisu 's account, too. Her drawings are so gorgeous and meaningful! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


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